When Shame Falls Silent and Growth Takes Root
For years, shame settled so deeply into my mind that it began to sound like truth. Shame told me that I was permanently broken. Shame told me that my life was nothing more than the worst decisions I ever made. Shame told me that having two felony convictions and a lifetime Tier III sex offender classification meant I should never expect anything good again. I believed that if my failures were public and painful, then my future was supposed to shrink to the size of my regret. I believed that since the world saw my lowest moment, God would not lift me into a new one. For far too long, I allowed shame to speak louder than hope.
But shame lies. Shame does not tell the whole story. Shame traps you in a version of yourself that God never created. Shame convinces you that consequences determine identity and that redemption is unavailable to people like you. What I learned is that shame is not the same as accountability. Accountability is not self hatred or self punishment. It is honesty. It means saying, “This happened, and I take responsibility,” without surrendering the entire future to that one moment. Accountability is not a life sentence of worthlessness. It is the doorway where growth begins.
My healing began in the tension between who I was and who God was shaping me to become. As I walked through that tension, I started to notice patterns in how God was working in my life. These patterns formed what I now call the 5 Ps. I first heard about the idea of the Ps in a sermon from my pastor. She preached about four of them, and they captured the ingredients that real healing requires. Later, during a personal conversation, she mentioned one more word that suddenly brought everything together. She said partnership. That single word changed the entire framework. What began as the 4 Ps became five, and the fifth is the most important one. Partnership with God is the piece that makes the journey work. It is the anchor that holds everything together.
Perspective gave me the ability to see my life through a wider lens. It reminded me that even painful chapters do not define the entire story. Power appeared when I realized that every healthy decision I made was strengthened by God working in me. Passion resurfaced when I understood that my story could help others feel less isolated in their struggles. Purpose formed when I recognized that my healing was not meant to end with me but to reach others who were trying to rise from their own brokenness. And partnership with God became the atmosphere where all of this growth came alive.
As I continued to heal, I began to understand my past with greater clarity. One of the most important parts of that understanding came from a place many would not expect. I carry a genuine gratitude for my local justice system and my local probation office because without them, I would not have learned the lesson that now shapes my entire life. They taught me how vital medication compliance is, especially for someone living with bipolar disorder. Mental health can never be used as an excuse for our actions, but it can help explain how a person reaches an extreme, out of character decision. I lived through the reality of what happens when bipolar goes untreated and unmanaged. Stability requires structure. It requires routine. It requires medication that cannot be taken casually or skipped. That lesson was built into me through accountability and consequences, and it grounded me in a way I will always be grateful for.
This realization strengthened my commitment to the Four Pillars Model. The four pillars are psychiatry, therapy, family, and the faith community. Each pillar fills a different role, but together they create a structure that supports long term healing. When a person living with bipolar loses even one of these pillars, the entire structure can collapse. I know this because I have lived through that collapse. Psychiatry helps me understand the chemistry of my brain and the necessity of treatment. Therapy helps me process truth and build healthier emotional responses. Family gives connection, grounding, and support. And the faith community strengthens identity, belonging, and spiritual direction. These pillars did not simply support me. They saved me. They carried me during seasons when I could not carry myself.
Partnership with God moved beyond theory and into my daily reality. Beginning each day with God created changes I could feel inside my mind. Many mentors in my faith community describe the same experience. It feels like something inside the brain awakens, aligns, and strengthens. Science supports what believers have always known. Research on neuroplasticity, including studies by neuroscientist Andrew Newberg, shows that spiritual practices like prayer and worship strengthen the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for clarity, focus, empathy, emotional balance, and long term decision making. These practices also reduce activity in the amygdala, which drives fear and anxiety. Faith does not only comfort the soul. It rewires the brain toward stability and peace.
As my healing deepened, I began to understand that my past shaped me, but it did not erase my worth. My convictions are real. My lifetime Tier III classification is real. But they are not the definition of who I am. They are chapters in my story, not the title of it. My identity comes from the One who continues to give me breath, purpose, and strength. I lived in fear and shame for far too long, but now I stand on the Four Pillars, guided by the 5 Ps, committed to medication compliance, and grounded in partnership with God. Stability is not something I stumble into. It is something I build every day with intention and surrender.
The journey has required courage, honesty, humility, discipline, and spiritual grounding. But it has also required something most people misunderstand. Remorse. Remorse describes my feelings accurately. Remorse and shame are not the same. I am not ashamed, but I am fully remorseful. I am not proud of what happened or of losing everything I worked so hard for, but my response is remorse, not shame. Remorse leads me to accountability. Remorse leads me to growth. And remorse leads me to a life shaped by truth, responsibility, and partnership with God instead of fear.
To learn more about my journey and the lessons I’ve gained, I invite you to explore My Story and additional Pillar Posts.
